Big Yard Dudes Inc.

Forced to cluck like a chicken. Nauseous. Covered in bees. Wasted a perfectly sexy entrance on a misread room. A lesser man would have run for the hills and counted his losses, but there’s something extremely important Alex must do. He might be a crook, but he is a man of principle, and so he steels himself to do the right thing.

Hawthorne: …It’s 8 am, you actually stayed around all night? Why? You better NOT have taken any more of my stuff, I swear to god. What do you want?

<receive a complaint>

Now this truly, HONESTLY was a dream date. My humble onion is that Belladonna Cove is full of bitches, but Jessica is the only fun bitch, not a bitch bitch like Armand. She’s definitely less judgemental towards someone doing their humble best to survive using occult powers and emotional issues.

Hawthorne: Haha! Welcome back to my lair, little man! Thought you could steal from me, did you?!

Burglar: BEES

Hawthorne: Let this be a lesson to you and all the other lowlifes in this city that–

Burglar: BEEEEEEEESSSSSSS OH MY GOD

Hawthorne: -uh, there’s a new- are you even listening?

Jessica: Oh, oh, don’t you have a spell to bring that jackass here? You could use the stress relief.

Hawthorne, Atrociously Evil Warlock, 7 Nice Points: I don’t know… That’s kinda over the line.

Jessica: Come onnnn. It will be fun, You are one of the strongest witches in this city, put some fear of Watcher in someone every now and then! You deserve it!

Hawthorne: Mmm…

Jessica: Please, I wanna seeeee?

Burglar: Oops! Dropped myself~ *bends over seductively while falling*

So Hawthorne kind of has this problem where he really needs to stop falling in love with all the people he’s grifting. Though I mind Jess less than everyone else, as they’re actually really cute and there’s no pretense involved, this is still not happening.

Hawthorne: Oh- oh right, I forgot that you’d have to actually walk all the way here, haha. I teleport everywhere, sorry.

Jessica: This… *pant* is very, cool, but you better *pant* lay some GOOD pipe, pal. *wheeze* I hate cardio.

But life is about to get so much better, because FINALLY, the THRONE is here! We might just not die! God, this might just make things finally progress over here.

Invigorated by this achievement, Hawthorne does something he’d never done before – invites a date over. Jessica is his highest two-bolter, and refreshingly unjudgmental about either his lifestyleor him dating for rewards, and it’s just a good vibe for a change.

Jessica: Look at you, my man! All evil and nefarious. Good for you!

Hawthorne, in the middle of summoning his kitty: You know it ,’:)

No, honey. No. I like him best out of all your crushes but he is a filthy NPC, it was never meant to be.

Sally: Uh-huh.

Sally: Yeah.

Sally: Oh wow, ain’t that wild, man.

Sally: Can I- I will buy the car, dude, can I just go.

Sally: I SAID-

For the record, Hawthorne doesn’t have a Romance or Pleasure secondary, I just want to get that sweet date reward money. So I’m giving sucky dates way more chances than I usually do – my m. o. is that if sims aren’t vibing, I look for someone else, but here, I am going to milk these rich assholes for all they’re worth.

Thanks, Geoff. These sell for 55$ a pop, Geoff.